Sex Fashion

In among the royal wedding product press releases and the excited announcements about the launch of cherry bourbon that arrived in our inbox this week (it’s a toss-up which made FS more nauseous), was one that genuinely got our hearts racing. The launch of a new TV channel, in this case Sony Entertainment Television (Sky Channel 157 since you ask), would not normally get FS in a tizzy. We’re better than that. But one promising reruns of Dawson’s Creek? Hello! Assume sofa position one, cancel all plans, let the schmaltzfest commence.

Yes, OK, so FS has a mental age of 14. We’ve come to terms with it – stop scoffing at the back, and get back to your subtitled four-hour-long Chinese epic set in a single room and your sense of moral superiority. Tsk. FS loves nothing more than reminiscing over the days when Joshua Jackson didn’t have to fight mutant alien creatures trying to take over the world (cf Fringe), while Katie Holmes didn’t have to fight the urge to point out that giant lizard creatures probably aren’t, in fact, running it (cf Scientology).

From her days dressed in lumberjack shirts and baggy jeans as little Joey Potter, that Katie sure has grown up. Where once she sported a fresh-faced innocent look, she now sports a fresh-faced, innocent, er, child. A child that has a handbag collection, wears heels and was voted “Hottest Tot in Hollywood!” by Forbes.com. Tragically this prize seems to be now defunct, as it was last awarded in 2008. What can possibly have persuaded Forbes that this was anything short of a brilliant idea, we wonder?

So often fated to be the bearer of bad tidings for celebrities, Lost in Showbiz is delighted, for once, to be in receipt not merely of good news, but good news for Charlie Sheen. You may recall, some weeks back, this column reporting that the woes of the troubled former star of Two and a Half Men had been compounded by news that he had upset not just the ex-wife whose head he allegedly threatened to chop off and send to her mother, but a former advertising executive turned self-styled warlock, necromancer, “child of darkness” and “Howard Stern of witchcraft” (no, LiS isn’t 100% certain what that means either). His name is Christian Day, of the Salem, Massachusetts-based Coven of the Raven Moon, and he was apparently left “fuming” by Sheen describing himself as a warlock.

“This is a blatant offence against our ways,” he protested, before threatening to “magically bind” Sheen in a cleansing ceremony that would “send him ideas – directly into his head, via light – against maligning warlocks in the future”. “Not to harm him,” he added, having presumably considered Sheen’s behaviour in recent months and concluded: he looks like a man who really needs someone to magically send ideas into his head.

It’s not every day that a women’s rights group from eastern Europe makes it into the Sun. But it’s no surprise that the redtop made an exception for Femen last year. Its twentysomething Ukrainian campaigners regularly go topless with flowers in their hair, have worn bikinis made from surgical masks, and even mud-wrestled to draw attention to their cause, since they launched in 2008 – causing outrage among feminists and traditionalists alike. Yet today Femen’s almost weekly protests are so successful it is planning to expand into Europe.

Founded by Anna Hutsol, Femen began as a campaign against the explosion of prostitution and sex tourism in Ukraine (sparked by the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, and intensified by the arrival of budget airlines and a depressed economy). As its popularity grew, Femen took on issues as diverse as vote-rigging and the stoning sentence meted out to Iranian Sakineh Ashtiani. The next protest, on 26 April, is timed to coincide with the anniversary of Chernobyl when Russian politicians will be visiting Ukraine.

Inna Shevchenko, 20, a spokeswoman for the group, admits no one was listening before they started stripping off. “At the beginning, we were not protesting topless but we realised we had to do something really radical. We don’t have people to promote or help us, or big money. Everywhere – from TV channels to magazines – you see naked girls selling something. We are trying to say: ‘You should not show your body like that; you should use it to protest and fight.’”

Here is where the more prim looks that are around this spring really come into their own. Take silky pleats: frankly, they only work in the controlled environment of a restaurant or at a proper sit-down where there are no plate-juggling hazards. Easter lunch is an opportunity to try out your Whistles Carrie skirt and court shoes (or similar) without fear. Maxi skirts are another example of a trend that works better inside rather than outside. Outside, a maxi-hem can veer into very tired hippy territory, whereas inside you can make it look more of-the-moment. Raoul, a small label currently making waves within the fashion industry because it is a) gorgeous and b) affordable, has a lovely navy dress that boasts pleats and a longer hem, which just about makes it the perfect lunching dress. Alternatively you can show you have some serious fashion game over the bank holiday by wearing a bright colour. I would say “try colour-blocking” but it’s a phrase that has such a small demographic of comprehension and appreciation that, honestly, it’s not worth bothering to use.

Hot pink deserves special mention because wearing it is shorthand for “I totally get fashion right now.” Look for something sleek and tailored to avoid looking too “fun”. That would be wrong. Fashion pink is serious, not frivolous. Such is the contrariness of looking stylish.

An exciting new wardrobe sub-section, is it not? The main thing here is not to take too many cues from the main event, where the aesthetic is likely to be a mash-up between a Merchant Ivory film and the back pages of Hello! magazine.

So first, here are the no-nos. Don’t choose anything white. There’s tonnes of it around since it was touted as one of the headline trends of the year so far. But it won’t work for a street party. Not in any kind of don’t-outshine-the-bride way, just in the sense that it won’t work with kids and ketchup – both likely presences. Also, Issa blue is outlawed. Not ironic enough and not obvious enough. Silk blouses are similarly not a good idea. We love them on the fashion desk, but they are unpredictable in the heat – no one wants to worry about a sweat patch when they’re deconstructing Carole Middleton’s outfit.

Things to try instead include a faux-posh double-breasted jacket. It will add a bit of structure to a pair of cropped jeans and looks good with most things. I challenge anyone to find a high street shop that isn’t selling them. Other faux-posh stuff to hunt down includes a pair of canvas loafers. Office has a pair in hot pink that make a good case for being this summer’s Converse. But the main ingredient for making your look sing is the cross-body bag. Frankly you can keep your 18 grand “superbags” in exotic skins. It’s the only bag you really need for any daytime do. Mulberry recently held a ludicrously cool pool party. Every invitee had one. Granted, they were by Mulberry but the sartorial point was made. Anything that looks like it might contain an old-fashioned camera will do the job.

Sainsbury’s knows you will, the local off-licence knows you will, you know you will. It’s traditional, almost inevitable. The kebabs are marinading, the berry mojitos are prepped, but what to wear this year? If you were planning on stumbling into spring 2011′s sartorial silly season in a two-year-old sundress and sequined Fit Flops look away now.

Instead you are going to need a pair of BBQ heels. You won’t find them labelled as such on topshop.com, but they genuinely exist. They are basically a pair of wedged espadrilles that provide a little height to flatter bare-ish legs, yet aren’t spindly and present no danger of getting caught in your neighbour’s decking. Kurt Geiger has the best selection of wedge espadrilles this year – under £100, classic and comfy enough. Incidentally, so-called power wedges – ie anything fierce looking with a platform sole beneath the toe – are now past their sell-by.

Clothes-wise the look to channel this season is the Prada catwalk. Honestly, I’m not joking. A fruit-print shirt is this year’s spin on the Hawaiian shirt, which can inexplicably claim to be a BBQ wardrobe classic. They’re less ironic, more fashion and the high street is full of them. Other Prada looks to appropriate include the bold stripe and the broad-rimmed striped tequila hat. The jumpsuit is officially this year’s dress. Time was when they were more divisive than AV, but judging by the way they are selling right now, we are all firmly “in favour”. If you have the stomach (and the thighs) for it, then “girlfriend shorts” are the new hotpants – basically a pair of denim cut-offs with the pockets protruding from below the hem. Very Kate Bosworth at Coachella.